“You’re not my friend anymore!” is possibly one of the most stressful things a person can hear - whether they are in the playground aged 5 or a middle-aged adult.
Today I want to write about discussing this with our children, but in particular from the viewpoint of the one who chooses to cut off contact, and why they might choose to do this. I want to focus especially on the thinking behind it and how they might act on their feelings more productively, particularly in situations where they feel their friend has let them down or ‘behaved badly’.
When social ‘self-policing’ goes wrong
I have, in my recent work, become aware of increasing numbers of scenarios where young people, whether tween, teen or student age, have excluded their peer from a social group for a perceived slight or actual misdemeanour.
I have seen the tragic outcomes and distress that this self-policing of their social group can lead to, so I feel strongly that it cannot be ignored.
Fanning the flames?
From speaking to teachers and other staff supporting these young people it has become apparent to me that not only are such situations deteriorating more rapidly over a shorter time frame than in the past, thanks to friend-group online ‘fuel’ poured over the flames of social outrage, but young people (including young adults) are judging each other (often harshly) without considering balanced viewpoints, or that someone might be ‘innocent until proven otherwise’. An already difficult scenario can spiral rapidly out of control.
So today I want to think about how we talk to our young people to help them see both sides of a situation, to consider any reasons behind someone’s perceived ‘bad behaviour’, and to learn ways to address actual poor behaviour if it is necessary to do so.
‘Active Bystander’ gone too far?
There has been a lot of focus in recent years about learning to be an ‘active bystander’ or ‘upstander’, which is admirable in terms of addressing poor or hurtful behaviour, and our young people are to be congratulated on standing up or stepping in to help those who are less able to do so, for example in addressing racism, misogyny and aggression in their peer groups. These scenarios are relatively straightforward and uncomplicated in warranting active intervention.
My worry is where a scenario is less clear, for example in relationships between friends, where the active intervention of others (leading to exclusion from social peer groups) may be viewed as being on the side of ‘right’ but is in fact potentially harsh or even catastrophic for the young person excluded. Is this an example of being an active bystander going too far? Stepping up on the side of Right but meting out punishment unilaterally and unnecessarily.
As we live in a world where it has become the norm for people to express ever more extreme views unchallenged (some even celebrated for doing so) and the young mind has a tendency to think in black and white until the mid-twenties, it is unsurprising that they might take sides and want to be seen to do the right thing. It is therefore hardly surprising that such tricky scenarios as relationship issues are tackled by teens and students with right/wrong, black/white approaches.
Nuance, balance and proportionality
Our role then can be to help them understand nuance, balance, tolerance, and proportionate responses to complex situations. Because if university communities are struggling with this (and some are), then it is not surprising that school communities will also be finding this difficult.
It is vital therefore that we all play our part in tackling social ostracism and exclusion as a method of 'punishment' by young people, to reduce the potentially negative and sometimes tragic outcomes that can follow.
We need to talk to them about considering all aspects of a complex situation, and avoiding becoming ‘judge and jury’.
Social exclusion by peers can be a form of ‘vigilante justice’… and have disastrous outcomes
It is natural for young adults to fall out with friends, but this is different from being shunned, which can have long term and serious effects. Teens and young adults are particularly sensitive to the effects of exclusion as this is the evolutionary stage in life when they seek new peer groups, and to belong, most intensely.
Professor Kipling D Williams is a world expert on social ostracism and says “being excluded is painful because it threatens fundamental human needs, such as belonging and self-esteem.”
In 2020 a scientific review of 11 studies found that ostracism increased suicidal thoughts. This was the case even in non-depressed participants. It concluded that ‘Life lacks meaning without social connection, thereby activating suicidal thoughts.’
Therefore social ostracism frequently causes psychological harm and can have negative outcomes for emotional and behavioural health. It may or may not be considered a form of bullying depending on the context, frequency and impact of the exclusion.
The irony therefore is that by socially excluding a peer when they try to self-police their community or friendship group they in fact risk becoming bullies themselves, or causing psychological distress to the ostracised young person.
How can we help? Speaking up v Calling Out
1. Compassion, kindness and values need to be discussed and learnt, so that young people support rather than judge each other through difficult and complex scenarios. Understand that there may be reasons behind certain behaviours which may not excuse it, but can be addressed.
2. Remind them that being an Upstander/ Active Bystander is a good thing. An important thing. But being the one to decide on consequences is not their role.
3. We need to teach them an understanding of nuance, and that actions have consequences.
4. Young people themselves need to be involved in discussions about how to talk to them e.g. at school, college or university, about managing complex friendship or relationship issues and what to do if other friends fall out or accuse each other of unacceptable behaviour.
5. They need to understand about listening to both sides of a situation, keeping an open mind, and perhaps most difficult of all, acknowledging the existence of grey areas in life, that not everything is as black and white as it may seem.
6. One helpful way to address this is to shift the emphasis from ‘Calling Out’ bad behaviour to ‘Speaking Up’ about concerns*.
7. Calling out tends to involve publicly pointing out fault, being critical and confronting, or shaming people, and leads to defensiveness, insecurity, guilt, fear and resistance.
8. Speaking up on the other hand is about voicing concerns in a constructive and private manner, to achieve improvement, whilst being respectful and open to others’ thoughts. It leads to dialogue and a shared discussion of the issue. It is more likely to lead to resolution.
9. Remind them that unfortunately in life they might be the one excluded by others, needing support, feeling isolated and distressed. Talk about how to seek help and support immediately should that happen, and not to let it spiral out of control.
In summary.
It is not new for people to exclude each other from social groups for perceived poor behaviour, and it has been a human response to interpersonal conflict/ undesirable behaviour since the dawn of time. However, with the advent of the internet and the speeding up of everyday communication, situations can now spiral out of control rapidly, sometimes leading to tragic outcomes.
We have a collective responsibility as a society to speak with our young people about managing friendship issues in a nuanced and balanced way as they grow up and learn more about the complexities of life and all its ‘grey areas’.
My hope is that we can help them to understand that there are two sides to every story, that compassion is vital, and that their own actions can have consequences. Friends should be ‘innocent until proven otherwise’, and, even if they are ‘guilty’, it is not the young person’s role to carry out arbitrary and summary justice.
Encourage your young people to talk to someone they trust outside of the social group to ask for help in such stressful scenarios - we are here for them.
*Speaking Up v Calling Out- with thanks to Brock Bastian via LinkedIn